Monday Mourning Morning

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

From the sermon I liked so much came the comment that mourning is one of the greatest tools we have when we experience loss. It is through mourning that we come to a new morning.

So I thought we'd take a day to mourn all that we have lost over the past 11 weeks.

Each of us has experienced different sorts of losses. Naming the losses may be helpful to help us move forward if we are feeling stuck.

For some of us, it is a personal loss. Nancy, Sunny, Harmony, and Harriet have experienced loss of close family members. Twins and her dh are experiencing the loss of his aunt. I can't remember, but I think others have experienced extended family members death. As far as we know, dh's cousin is still alive much to everyone's surprise but that brings with it the sense of impending loss. And since she is our age, it feels more close, just as Harriet's dsil adds a sense of vulnerability to that loss since it was so unexpected and he was so young.

We are blessed in that we have this space in which we can mourn together all that we have lost. And some of us may need to stay in a mourning stage for a while.

But those words from the sermon about mourning leading to a new morning offered me some hope. I just feel as if I need to move on from this stage and that I can't because I'm feeling stuck, waiting for normal to return. Bit by bit, I realizing 'normal' will never be normal. Or as I used to say, "Normal is a setting on my dryer."

My dryer no longer has a Normal setting but it does have Air Fluff, Speed Dry, Mixed, and Delicates. I'm hoping thinking about mourning will be like Air Fluff, clearing out my head and allowing me to move on. Some of you might need Delicate and others are Mixed or Speed Dry.

Whatever your setting, let's be here for each other today so that we can all move forward into a new morning.

[CathyS]

Hi everyone!

Tonight we will be having meatball subs with the meatballs provided by the Italian mother of a customer of dh's. Dh is really looking forward to it.

Dh unexpectedly has the day off and the garage cleaner is coming "around 11".

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

I opened the village quickly this morning while at breakfast with the grands. I cut that short and have expanded on the reasons why I felt this was important.

It is a grey day so that is leading a bit to the 'down' mood of the opening. Plus I'm overwhelmed because I've been stuck, doing nothing but stewing, and now I have a solid deadline I may miss.

On the 'bright' side, I'm not tempted to go out for a walk!

I need to get to work now. When I'm on a longer break, I'll come back and reflect more on my thoughts. But for now, here's what I've lost due to the lockdown:

1. Physical contact with my children and grandchildren. No end to that in sight, especially if dsil has to go back to work. If he does, he'll have to take transit, therefore he'll daily be exposed and therefore I will not be able to touch the grands. Ds is more practical so with precautions, I'll be able to hug him.

2. Dh gone for a month so I could do what I want. That he is mourning deeply, but I also enjoy my time on my own.

3. A trip with dd's family to Toronto so she could attend a friend's wedding. That included a train trip, a trip up the CN tower with dgs, riding the subway with him, as well as babysitting later into the evening so dd and dsil could have some time together. None of those things will be able to be done for the next 18 months or 2 years. And the wedding has been cancelled after the rescheduled date of September became obviously unmanageable. Basically, this can be summed up as loss of exploring the country with my grands.

4. Dh's uncle's funeral.

5. Numerous concerts and plays and even movies.

5.5 Taking dgs to a children's program at the Arts Centre. Since I can't take him to church and let him learn about hope through religion, I've been hoping to use music and the arts to teach him about hope that way.

6. The ability to care for my daughter and guide her to more stability, and the ability to give my dgd and dgs a rest from her fears and anxiety from time to time.

7. The loss of churches to preach in. All my preaching gigs are cancelled because churches are closed.

8. The loss of worship as we knew it. No touching, no being close to people, no communion, and no singing. This will likely continue for at least 2 years. I'm not sure how many churches will even survive. That might not be bad thing, but I had been thinking smaller 'house churches' would be replacing most of the communities of faith I knew that should be closing and that, of course, won't be a safe option.

9. The loss of my lifestyle - of walking to a different store each for a few items, rather than a singular large weekly shop from one store. And then doing without for another week because something is out of stock, like baking powder (the item I couldn't get this week.)

9.5 The loss of knowing a particular food will be there. This is combined with the fear that food supplies next winter will be extremely limited. Our crops can't get in and out of the ground because of lack of farm workers. Potatoes are being tilled under due to lack of market, milk is being dumped because of lack of market, animals are being culled due to lack of processing plants. Medicine is also in short supply.

10. The loss of restaurants. Not sure which won't make it through but I do know that we won't be going weekly to our pub even once it opens. And I know that will be a fight with dh. He's of the 'return to the old normal' as soon as possible camp. But I'm not comfortable with going out to dine inside until there's a vaccine. And we can only dine outside 3 - 4 months of the year here.

11. The loss of travel in winter to break up the hold winter has over me. That won't be possible for the next 2 winters. I still need to cancel the cruise I have in Feb.

12. The loss of even a picture of how things will change. Hotels, airplanes, trains, buses, are all shut down. Further out, Boeing is laying off because no-one is buying planes, train and bus manufacturers will do the same. There will be no concerts, there will be few movies or new tv shows. Will we return to printed books, or will there be a shortage of paper so it will all be electronic? Will there be new electronics (given that so much of them come from China and trade wars are looming.) Will we see violence on the streets as people protest the social upheaval caused by this? Will my son be safe since he continues to work in a hospital without PPE and the number of cases will increase as the people refuse to be isolated anymore?

I'm sure there are more, those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Some are petty, some are huge. Some can be solved with minor changes, some are life changing - if not my life, the life of my grandchildren and how they will cope with fears their whole life.

[Ramblinrose]

Morning....

This is how I’m celebrating my day...

In celebration of Memorial Day, the Buglers Across America has requested any bugler who can play Taps do so out their front or back yard at 3:00pm for their time zone.

Since Sweetie is totally out of practice,
I am going to play Taps on my back patio with my sound system.

Twenty four notes for all who served our country!

The only thing I mourn is not being able to go to my library...can’t wait for it to reopen.

Another so-over day.

Saw Something funny that made me laugh out loud..

They say we come from dust and when we die, we return to dust, so I’m giving up dusting in case it might be my relative ...

If you love Trace Atkins, you’ll love this song...Arlington in memory to those who gave all... enjoy your day

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=you ... JO7lJIxG10

[LadyMaverick]

Cathy - I love hearing the results of your rhubarb dump cake and grilled beets. I was wondering how they turned out. Thanks for sharing!

So there is more 'beyond our present knowing' food for thought

Lynlee - Thanks for this insight

Nodding my head toward the implementation of Men's Sheds and Woman Sheds. It brings to my thoughts when I first read about The Red Tent concept.

LucyLee - I'm glad no one was hurt during the 3 vehicle incident. I find myself wondering if the driver is a diabetic and having a low blood sugar. They sound confused and unable to mentally process the events.

 mourning is one of the greatest tools we have when we experience loss. It is through mourning that we come to a new morning.
I'm hoping thinking about mourning will be like Air Fluff, clearing out my head and allowing me to move on. Some of you might need Delicate and others are Mixed or Speed Dry.

I agree. Mourning is a vital process.


 

Some can be solved with minor changes, some are life changing 

Listing them seems to be an excellent way to think through the changes that have happened. Once I see the losses then I can make a decision on how to proceed.


Losses over the past 3 months -
** Deaths.
• VDFriend death from the covid19 virus and his wife & sons in the hospital for a long period of time recovering from the virus. They are all home now but it will take months/years for their body to recover from the damage of virus & ventilator. It is more than just physical loss as their family business has been gutted.
Blessings from this loss are many when I step back to see the big picture. The bond of family and friendship has been strengthened as we mourned the death of VDFriend together. It doesn't help the pain from knowing we will never experiencing life with this VDFriend but it does bring a smile because he would be pleased with how we all gathered to support each other. As time passes a new normal is evolving.
• Cousin Gerald death. I have many cousins but Gerald has always been my favorite. When my oldest brother died I started noticing how much Gerald was like my brother in many ways. Their smile, their strength, their personality, the fact they never complain….NEVER complaining even when their end was physically horrible. I loved them both deeply and completely. I have nothing but good memories from the 60+ years spent with them.
Blessings from this loss is I have those memories and treasure them. The memories make my heart smile even though my eyes tear up at the loss of not having more time together.

** Loss of freedom
• The freedom to go where I want and when I want.
• The freedom to not think about every single detail needed to keep others safe from the invisible virus germs.
• The freedom to not fear to be physically close to others. I used to hug without a thought if it was dangerous and if I was putting my family/friends in danger with a single hug.
The Blessing from this loss of freedom is the gain of experience that I have the resilience in knowing it is a choice I make for this time. It is not who I will be for the rest of my life. It is a phase that I will get through and hopefully be stronger for the experience.

** Loss of public school
• DD8 lost 3 months of attending school.
• When public school resumes the changes are going to be life-changing for her. I don't see any way they can maintain the same group of kids that has been together for years. Some kids will have been crisis schooled at home and will be able to move forward. Other kids who went without any school for 6 months will probably have to start last year's grade again. DD8 will experience the loss of her current group of friends as they are split apart into separate grades.
Blessings - public schooling has been broke for a long time. This experience will force them to take a hard look at every aspect and become competitive if they want to continue having traditional Brick-n-Mortar public schools. Changes in public schooling have been needed for a long time. Now they are going to be forced to make them or not survive.

[CathyS]

See MO. Trying to keep it together.

[Ramblinrose]

On the other hand, these past weeks have brought me unexpected joy.

I have reconnected with a long lost cousin I knew very little about... we plan on meeting when I go home. We have been filling in holes as to why our families never spent time together even though we lived a mear 35 miles from each other . It’s been a blessing to me.

Time spent with Sweetie has reinforced our relationship by sharing our time with each other.

My mom and I have spoken on the phone more than ever. I knew she was isolated by herself so I have been calling most days. Most conversations last an hour or more. Know it has made a huge difference for her

Finding it more important to learn how to skype with my son and grand daughter...Some of you are lucky enough to have your families close to you, I am not....
having fun with Charlie...
Thxs Kathryn and the other puppets I’m working with... I’m now trying to learn how to be a ventriloquist lol

My sunflowers have brought me more joy than I ever expected.

My connection to my brother has become stronger than ever.

My true friends have spent time checking in on each other and some causal friends have become closer as well.

I have discovered I can bring laughter and love to many....

I am blessed that all my family members are well and healthy including my 92 year old mother. She strolls everyday with her walker more than 1/2 mile each day and has made new friends along the way. So happy for her.... she is truly the only example I need to show me how to live my life.

She still cooks and cleans for herself, does her own laundry, plays with her plants... she has 12 huge ones n her sunroom and though a lady, still loves a naughty joke.

She’s lives through a depression, A very difficult time for her...Was the first person ever to survive spinal meningitis at age 16...spent a week in a coma...
WW11
And polio epidemic. She tells stories of love, friendships and deaths and can still find joy in life. Gotta love the woman

[BookSaver]

Hello, villagers ~
I just got back home after being up north with DMom since early Saturday morning. I took my little netbook pc with me but either the last set of updates overwhelmed it or DSis's wifi is bad, because I could not get anything on the internet to work. I have a lot of work to catch up.

DH is still sleeping. I'm going to decompress a bit before I go to wake him up and let him know I'm here.

[Twins' Mom]

Kathryn is correct that the Jewish morning customs, as well as several other religious traditions, recognizes that mourning takes an extended period of time and that there are stages. I think Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grief expand the concept, giving names and recognition of the common phases. Several people have also mentioned to me, within the last year of losing my mother, that grieving isn't a straight line process. It doubles back on itself to sound off when some plays that chord, to use a musical metaphor.

I'm still in the first year of grieving my mother, she passed away last summer and her Yartzeit, the anniversary of her death is 18 June. Until then, her name is read at each service of my synagogue. Until next 1 April (I think that was the date?) dh's aunt's name will be read at our synagogue, her's and her son's.

Other losses in no particular order:

Dh's elderly cousins in Long Island NY. They passed in March, 10 days apart, I think. They were first cousins of dh's mother and part of the family that rediscovered us several years ago. Of this family, dh is probably closest to and more like their son.

Loss of going to a restaurant means I am cooking every night. We have been ordering food to go at some of our favorites, but it's not the same as being served and waited upon. I miss the time it takes to cook every evening and the energy it takes to plan meals.

Loss of the spontaneity of "running out" to get something, or to go out to eat, or visiting friends without anxiety.

Loss of being able to see my dkids often and give them a hug. Ds is positively paranoid that he will get it and give it to us, and says he would never forgive himself. I know that, but I miss him. Dd has adapted better and is comfortable seeing us, but we're foregoing hugs.

Loss of physical space upstairs. I was quick to offer dh my genealogy space when he said he had to work from home, but I've missed it. It's a physical space I could go to on weekends when the noise of the TV was too much. I just this weekend got back my desk and space (moved to the bonus room) but it's left me feeling I had no where to get away. (I did have the stamping desk, but that is always full of stamping supplies so if I'm not stamping it's not a place to get away to.)

Loss of weekday time with dh out of the house. Early on he worked all day upstairs and I only saw him at lunch. Of course, with the market tanked he was busy checking in with his clients. Now he's up and down the steps a lot, and comes through at lunchtime going out for a walk. And loss of the two nights a week he bowled. Generally I wasn't cooking dinner or was cooking something light. And those evenings w/o the TV were pleasurable.

Loss of dcleaning lady and her friendship. My home is cleaner now that I'm doing it myself, but she has cleaned for me well over 10 years, and also cleaned for dmom. She helped me clean out dsis's home and dmom's home and has been with us a very long time. I wish I could remember how long, but I'll probably keep doing this myself?

Loss of energy. The first weeks of the quarantine I didn't want to do anything. I'm gradually overcoming that, but it's been such a long, odd spring.

I feel kind of whiny writing about it. I've adapted (we all have) and figured out work arounds (cleaning for myself, ordering meal kits delivered so we get some variety, moved my office) for some. What a long weird time.

I'm going to read some now. DH went to his office to move things around there since he moved the stand up desk home. I have laundry going and have done most of a.m. routine.

[Ramblinrose]

Twins and Kathryn.... it is interesting to me to learn how people mourn.

I must be different, but I know why.

This past Jan I lost four important people to me in less than four weeks. Though sad chose to keep the good memories of each of them close to me and found ways to celebrate their lives. I dedicated my sunflower garden to one of them.

When my mother came down with spinal meningitis, she spent 7 days in a coma and experienced a near death. Too her many years for her to share to with me, my quess is she didn’t think I would believe her.

She said she woke to the most beautiful place she had ever been to...and was surrounded by people, although she couldn’t name them. She told me Her soul was filled with peace and love and she knew she never wanted to leave. My mom said was then told she had to leave, but she didn’t Want to go. She told me she was filled with the feeling of unbelievable happiness and begged to stay.

The next thing she knew, she woke up in the hospital and was pissed... her words ... to find herself there.

My mom then told me after that experience two things happened to her...her faith in God became unbendable and from that day on never feared death. She still talks to me all the time about this and I know the day that she does die, though I will miss her terribly, she is happy and in peace and is glad to be back to her favorite... her words place.

Because of her faith and teachings when I loose some one near to me, I think of that place she keeps telling me about and it makes me Smile to know they must be happy too.

And knowing that brings me peace and happiness. I know my sister in law and friend are no longer in pain and my other two friends who both were extremely faithful, must be enjoying that their believes have brought them to the place they can rejoice in.