Another thought on grief, and whether one "should" be in depths of despair or "taking it well" or whatever.
DS had a great perspective on this. He too is experiencing many of the same emotions that I am. He said he had realized over the past six months or so that dh seemed like he had gotten older, rapidly. He pointed out that time in Heaven won't exist like it does here... dh isn't going to say, when we arrive, "Where have you been, I've been waiting 20 years..." When we get there, it will seem like to him, and I guess to us also at that point, that it was only a moment since dh left us.
And this caused me to remember the verse that says, "We do not grieve as those who have no hope..." I Thessalonians 4:13.
* I know we here in this village do not all share the same religious beliefs, but this is certainly supported by my lifelong beliefs, and it is comforting. I think maybe, at the heart of it all, this explains why DS and I are able to handle this as well as we are.
Ballgames. I guess that's what keeps me going. Having a schedule full of games every night, and getting out and seeing people. DH and I never missed anything like that, so it would just seem unnatural to NOT go, at this point. Plus, it's a small town; every time I go out, there are people who want to hug me and tell me how much dh meant to them, and that is comforting. Some of my very favorites, from my childhood church, are grandparents of one of dgs' teammates, so it was very nice to see them tonight. It is so nice to live in a small town. These people have known my family since our parents were young -- her parents were some of my parents' closest friends. She is in a ladies group with my aunt, and knows about the difficulties my cousin is going through right now. Her older brother was our music director at one time at my current church, and he and dh were lifelong friends; her younger brother and I graduated together. And now our grandsons are playing baseball and football together. It's like the song says, "you can't make old friends."
(Of course, YOU ladies are old friends now!!! I tell you girls things that I wouldn't want to share with anyone whom I actually have to see face-to-face all the time... too embarrassing! Harriet was mentioning the other day how long we had been here together. I know it has been 23 years -- I found you all when ds was gone to the beach with his then-girlfriend and her family. It was right before his senior year, the summer of 2001. That was a sort of panic attack moment for me, and y'all started off having to support me through anxiety. The more things change the more they stay the same.)
Since coming home, I've done another load of laundry -- although I have NOT hung these items to dry, and it's a pretty big load of things to hang up.
I also have written 8 thank you notes. I'm trying to do one page each day (from the little record book furnished by the funeral home). There are 7 pages. All these people have not sent flowers -- some brought food, some simply served as pallbearers but traveled 8-12 hours by car to do so, some include the preachers, sound people at church, medical staff at the ER, etc. I may be over-doing it, but I think it's impossible to overdo gratitude. I even wrote a note to ddil's parents, thanking him for showing up ASAP when my dryer quit the day after dh passed away.
I got stuck on one address -- and then discovered that church addresses online are not showing up, or maybe these people are just not up to date. Probably half a dozen in this category, so I think later this week, I will go to the church office and see what the secretary can find in current mailing lists.
Right now, it's almost 2:00 a.m., and I better go hang up clothes that are draped over the exercise bicycle.
I also did 15 minutes of (my somewhat modified) walk away the pounds.
It is raining pretty hard now. At the ballgame, we had the most "scattered showers" ever. Put up an umbrella... rain stops. Put down umbrella... rain returns. I had a very small compact umbrella, and I held it over ds so he could keep the scorebook. It never rained hard enough to make it uncomfortable, but I had on a rain jacket. DDIL had to leave before dgd's game was over, but her parents came and stayed for the both games. Dmom came to dgd's game, but left before dgs' began, which was a good thing.
Tomorrow --
[ ] phone interview with social security
[ ] bug lady comes and sprays --I look forward to seeing her; she has become a good friend
[ ] TRY to straighten up the house BEFORE the bug lady comes
[ ] WHB?
[ ] Ballgame, if the rain stops