d lucy and d twins - thank you!
I know I am going through darn good depression right now and overwhelming my mind on comparing myself to others in my family who "seem" to have it all together. I am also looking through the glass my d mom sees things. more the "oh look you haven't done this" or "oh how could you not have fixed this or painted this or do this"
I know it's temporary. (I generally am a very positive person but this time I am struggling to get back to it.) the comparison thing has been a problem for me lately. I do feel like I am letting everyone down. Also I know I am missing loved ones and how it used to be. I have to be okay with that one and move on. I just feel so busy that I can't seem to catch up to be proactive in the community by helping others right now.
I also think the new kitty, besides her ch issues, also now has seizures which makes me think she won't make it, also tugged at my heart. Same with old dog. The care for both is at a higher level.
my daughters happiness and life also weigh on me. dd older needs to move on from this job. dd younger has to work full time financially but the photography is coming along a little bit at a time.
mom - she is feeling better but knowing that dd was coming back again she started to complain about the mess that she isn't even there to do. dd younger said - grandma loves us 70% of the time and the other 30% is when she wants to show off to others, complains and can be downright mean. But again it's not a grandma/mom love that you think of. it's her type of love.
She is doing the poor me thing - oh look another thing you don't think I do right in my personality. not at all - she has been using boundaries as "I am again bad" "bad ... using her name". She made a joke about sex which is not her way but I have noticed she and even aunt have brought up some things - I said oh mom laughing - mom you know I am kind of a prude I don't think that I can go there. I don't care for it. My mother is also very prudish but oh my gosh she has been finding stuff funny - I think she finds it humorous that I go - oh please no no no.
I know somewhere that I am not failing everybody but I have been struggling with that daily lately. My problems are light compared to most and compared to my past. I do think it has more to do with not having purpose that I have always felt. (especially when my kids were young) I loved teaching and learning as well. Now I feel like I am just trying to keep up and I can't. To me that means that I have to get outdoors more and go to therapy.
Today: I am going to focus on what gives me stress right now - what I can do to with what I have no control over.
My goal is to see what things I can do to make me feel better.
I think I also can't expect myself to do everything and I have to stop looking at things as "you didn't do that" "why didn't you finish that" etc.
time to call the therapist. a definite
thank you for being so kind (AND LETTING ME WRITE IT DOWN HERE).