FORGET THE BELOW FOR READING - I NEED TO BRAIN DUMP.
I asked him if having the bedroom be like another library is because he doesn't want to use the basement that I cleared for him/or the closet I cleared. I told him I think he needs a place where he can sit, learn, display other than his library where he never sits. I asked him if the sunshine and the big space feels better.
it was yes to all of the above. At least that gave me insight to what was happening. He will get the large bedroom for his stuff but done tastefully. I said I love that he wants to do things etc. but it can still be a place where junk isn't out but his cars/books etc. can look tastefully. He has agreed to let the front room and dining room look nice even though he still gets all the cabinets where you can't see. I don't need them so I am okay with that.
I had to tell him that I felt I was being continually pushed into smaller and smaller spaces and I honestly felt pushed out of our home but the spreading of so much stuff. He didn't get it but he said he will will try to see it from both our point of views.
I also realized I had growing resentment bc he does't notice all the work I do for him without a thank you, that he wants more and more space and time from me without talking to me.
I don't think he will change but at least he seemed to try to be aware. I also have to be aware to talk and not let it go too long. dd's keep telling me I have to say what I need and that I have to say no to him because he is totally unaware. dd older yesterday said you have to let him mope and that he will get over it. He did say he would try to notice his taking over or not asking for things by expecting things right away, and about my time especially after 10 pm. (lol he is a night owl and I am a morning bird).
I had to use the example the other day - it was past bed time and he wanted to know where the scale for the kitchen was. I was frustrated - no clue that I was exhausted - I told him where it was and he continued to go "it's in there?" - he wanted to weigh how many ounces were left in his cream
bc he was afraid the store wouldn't have that set cream. He was going to the store the next day and he "needed" to weigh the cream. (I could see through the bottle). He still didn't understand that he wants things and feels that just needs help in that moment - after I am in bed.