"Ain't No Sunshine" Thursday PWYC

[lucylee]

No sunshine here, either... we are under a tornado watch and dh says, judging by the way his joints are aching, it must be a doozy coming in.
It IS kinda hot for this time of year (69/70) so I do expect storms tonight. Looking at radar, most of it is still in Mississippi right now. School was cancelled today, and I think our courthouse is closed. Lots of stores in town were closed, but Thursday may be their regular day to close.

DS & DDIL wanted to go out and eat tonight, celebrate Valentine's Day, since they were apart on the day, church was planned/then cancelled for last night, and she will be working all weekend. However, I am hoping the storms will keep them home tonight. If they brave the weather, we will have dgrands.

I hesitate to say this, with so many in our village having such serious health concerns in the family, but I think I am really battling depression. All I want to do is sleep. I think I could sleep 20 hours a day. I just have no energy or enthusiasm for anything.
If I lived alone, I probably WOULD stay in bed 20 hours a day. I have no reason to criticize my mother's behavior in the past at all.
Since I do not live alone, knowing dh expected me to get on with the day and go to the post office with him, I did manage to s2s, including washing my hair and shaving my legs. That perked me up a little, and I did the facial mask before we went out.
Then I forced myself to stay on my feet for * I promised * 10 minutes after we returned, rather than sitting down with the paper and snacks.
-- This was successful, I s/s all three bathrooms, washed a tiny load of dark clothes, and put away another small load that had been done for a couple of days. I also ordered dmom's birthday gifts.
Then I did settle in with the paper and a BUNCH of Valentine's Day sweets.

But honestly, I just want to sleep. I don't really know what is causing this. I've kinda been depressed since last spring, y'all know, and I have to admit, that is still on my mind. I just wish so much I could have had some "closure," and that is never going to happen. So it makes me sad and frustrated and regretful.
Also, dh is in constant pain and that wears on my nerves and my patience, I'm sorry to admit, and I'm trying to be patient and kind, and he thinks I am, but still... so many of you know all too well how that can wear on a person.
And I worry about dmom. DH just does not think she should have the colonoscopy, but I think at least two, maybe three doctors have told her she should, so, of course, she probably should... but what if dh is right and it "stirs up" something and she ends up with another blockage as a result? Also, I know she needs me to help out with stuff more than she lets on, but right now, I just can't summon the energy to volunteer anything.
I even feel overwhelmed with keeping the dgrands.
I just want to sleep my life away, it seems.

Happy birthday to Elizabeth's dd!

[Lady Maverick]

(((Dee))) & (((Blessedw2))) Thinking of you both as you care for your DH's. Hopefully, you will be able to CI if possible.

(((LucyLee))) Please make yourself a priority and get some help. I have BTDT and don't know if I could have pulled myself out of the mental funk I was in without help. You are loved by so many and take care of everyone else. What is that saying? Put your own oxygen mask on first. Take care of yourself or you can't help anyone else.

I have decided to leave the rooms undecorated while I do some deep cleaning. It is easier to clean windows, walls, floors, etc without all the stuff.

[Lady Maverick]

DD11 asked to make Chocolate covered Strawberries for Valentines Day. We didn't have the time to do it until today. This was her first time doing it and she did a great job overall. Most of them came out perfect but she had a learning experience with about 5 of them. She learned that chocolate will burn very quickly and it changes the consistency, taste, and smell.

We did a blind taste test between name brand and generic graham crackers. The price of the name brand was double that of the generic. Three people voted and we all were unanimous that it is worth spending the extra to buy name brand graham crackers. The generic tasted fine and the texture was good, however the taste of name brand has bolder flavor.

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

Looking around for my oxygen mask.... nope, not here under the piles.

I ordered 50 of the history books to sell this morning, then scrambled to get off to the dentist.

That went fine and they were able to fix the tooth today, I just have to avoid hard, chewy, foods for a few days. It was just uncomfortable work, less painful than a cleaning and scaling.

Unfortunately, I was stressed out because just before it started dh texted that surgery would be on the 24th. Then 10 minutes later he texted that it was unclear, the hospital had called but when he checked with the surgeon's office (because he hasn't had an angiogram yet), they thought he was having the angiogram and knew nothing about the surgery. They said they'd call back in 30 minutes.

Five hours later, they called back and it is just the angiogram, not the surgery (or both on the same day.)

So it has been a very upsetting day and looks like I'll be dealing with a toddler and post-op patient who can't lift a thing or shower by himself at the same time. I'm pretty hysterical.

Got home from dentist later than planned (but managed to get the car washed on the way home, but it took longer than planned due to the lineup.)

The bank never called about changing the signing authorities on the bank account. The new treasurer came over and tried my nerves while we went over the cash that came in. She won't pay me back from the cash on hand for the $460 in expenses I have and since I can't sign a cheque to myself, and she's not on the account to sign, I'm out that money. So a major loose end until I have time to deal with this since everyone keeps saying, "You need to just get the bank to do x" and eff it all anyway, I've dealt with the bank 4x this week and they've failed every time. I don't see why this is my problem right now and need to offload it to someone. The new treasurer insists she needs to get on the account. I accept that but not that it is my responsibility to get through all the bureaucracy at the bank at this time to make it happen. She could get her a$$ down to the bank and make it happen but isn't offering to do that. She wants me to do it instead.

During my meeting with her, which ran later than I expected, the building manager called to ask me for some stuff, and another board member called, and I missed my call with the grands and now have them for all day tomorrow. It was easier than trying to work out something else. I'll pick them up in the morning, they can play here until dh's GP appointment, we'll drive out to the old village and they can see where their mom grew up, where she went to school, where she went to church, and her doctor's office for that matter.

Then we'll take them home.

Dh wanted to know what to make for dinner while I'm literally trying to do three things at once and then, when I snapped at him, said I should be prioritizing. I was and what is for dinner wasn't making my priorities list (I had 5 minutes to get downstairs to take something to the manager.)

When I got back upstairs he was starting steak. I pointed out that I couldn't chew anything so it is now going to be tourtiere.

I'm just exhausted, the apartment is a disaster, the kids are coming tomorrow, and I have so much to do my head is going to explode. I'm not sleeping well. The dentist thinks it was grinding from stress that caused the tooth to break. I wear a night guard but I know I'm still doing something through the night because I'm waking up with canker sores. She said those were likely stress too.

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone. I need a break from a frustrating problem at payroll. It has a workaround but is gosh darned annoying. So glad I don't have chemistry tonight! I have a long list for the night so I will take three at a time for prioritizing. First three: B&B, snail mail send and retrieve, cook some stuff.

lucylee: Depression IS a serious health concern. I recommend a visit to an MD. Depression and fatigue can be symptoms of a physical illness. Whether it is a symptom of something else or all by itself, you deserve to be free of it.

[lucylee]

Thanks, LadyM and Elizabeth, I know y’all are right, it’s just that I can’t do anything about this without talking to dh about WHY I’m doing it and he thinks counseling is a big waste of time anyway… he would want to help me and talk to me and this is just the one thing I can’t talk to him about. It wouldn’t even make sense that I miss my friend who passed away last spring, because she was pretty much out of my life until last spring… he would think why should it be such a big hole in my life now? I’ve just got to pull myself out of this on my own, and with God’s help.
Even I know it’s ridiculous — my life is almost perfect. There is no sense in me acting this way — even I know if I had taken another path in life, I would have missed out on more blessings than I had ever dreamed of. God truly knew what I needed and there is no doubt He orchestrated everything to give me this wonderful family and life that dh and I have created.
I just keep wishing I could have had one last conversation with someone who’s in Heaven now… and I know I’m certainly not the first to feel that way, for sure. And there is always the chance that conversation could have changed the whole course of my life, and not for the better.

Anyway. We went out to eat — Arby’s drive-thru — and we’re home now, kinda watching the weather, but just rain and some lightning here.

[DeeClutter]

Hope you get that 'break', Elizabeth.

Lucylee, it's no wonder you're feeling like you are -you've been burning the candle not only at both ends for some time but in the middle too. I'm a great one to say it but please take care of YOU!

I finally had a pretty big 'melt down' this morning. Dh was in the hospital from Saturday early till Monday night. Had 2 transfusions in that time. Monday they did the Nuclear Bleed Scan in the morning and then later (was supposed to be 11am) he had another Endoscopy. They couldn't do it as planned as his potassium level was way too low. So they were pumping him with that trying to get it over 3 and finally did about 1:45. He went for that test a little after 2. The staff was bending over backwards to get him out Monday so he could have that Capsule Endoscopy on Tuesday morning in Winter Park (the other side of Orlando). DD drove us and we finally made the hotel about 8pm. Dh was on a 'prep regimen' so couldn't really eat. Had that test administered about 9am Tuesday. We hung out at the hotel all day till it was time to leave for his 4pm appointment to remove the equipment. Even then they had to wait for it to finish beeping so they could disconnect everything. As far as I know he's still harboring the capsule but has to 'watch for it'. Certainly hope it passes soon as it's not pretty if it doesn't.

Got a call Tuesday from the Heart Failure Clinic at the hospital to ask us to come in yesterday at 11. Went in for that appointment. It turned out to be extremely useful. Spent about an hour one on one. They set up appointments for lab work Monday and got his cardiologist appointment moved up 2 weeks (to March 1st). She then prescribed a regimen for him for yesterday for his continued swelling. Today he was up another 2# and noticeably more swollen. Called her back and she prescribed the same regimen for today, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday (if needed Sunday). The concerning part for us is that he's so swollen EVERYWHERE again. So we'll see how he is in the morning. May have to call them back then and it may well end up with him in the hospital again. He's so hopeful after that appointment but also is saying how tired he is of not being able to do anything and that's been going on for over 3 months now.

Home Care nurse and PT both came today. Pt evaluation actually stronger than we thought him to be. He sleeps most of the time and appetite is nill. Okay, I've written enough and am ready to break down again. Need to go do something positive.

My thoughts are with all of you and your ailing dhs or whatever else may be troubling in your household. Love to you all.

Lucylee -I'm probably way out in left field here. But is there anything you can do online that might help you get past this? Anyone know? Praying you find the right answer for you and soon..

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

Dee: the online suggestion to Lucylee is a good one. At least here (where there is little to no chance of seeing a counselor unless you already have one and even then it is hard to get seen), online is heavily advertised my social media (reddit and facebook.) Of course some of my posts show I'm at the breaking point.

The evening was wasted. Dh wanted to go over the will stuff but then didn't when I asked.

I didn't get to the store to pick up my new hormones. The thought of another lost night of sleep using the old ones (tonight is another dose) reduced me to tears, so I'm skipping tonight and will take them tomorrow night (although I have no idea how I will find the time to get to the store to pick up the prescription tomorrow with the two other grandkids with me all day.)

I can't concentrate on anything at the moment and yet I have to install that new car seat tomorrow. The reviews said it was a terribly written manual, and they aren't kidding but reading instructions should be faster than watching videos. I don't have the attention span for that either.

[Harmony]

Lucylee, maybe they just need to tweak your Paxil dose (does it help depression?). Does anybody in your family know you are struggling right now? Maybe they wouldn't pile on if they knew you needed a break. Really sounds like you do need to talk with someone. DH might not like therapy, but this isn't about him it is about you and you need something. When I was depressed, that was my main symptom, sleepiness. I could sleep any time I wanted. Close my eyes and I'd be gone.

(Dee) you're on my mind often. You are doing everything you possibly can to manage all this. Praying you two get a break soon.

So, today was a bit stressful. I went down to next town to Leader's Meeting. They had their administrative meeting together first (which I wasn't part of) and then they went over this week's lesson. I was surprised how many people there were. Everybody who teaches a class or volunteers for anything was there. It was really nice and everybody was very welcoming to the couple of us who had never been there. They stayed for lunch together and invited me to stay also, but I had too much to do so declined. I'd had trouble finding this church they meet at, signs were down around this town also and I got on the wrong street and rode around till I found it.

Towards the end as I sat there listening I was feeling all teary.... between all the busyness this week and taking care of DH with his non-functioning hearing aids and trying to find things for him to eat and then getting lost this morning, I was a bit overwhelmed. To say nothing about being overwhelmed with this batch of ladies who all seem to have their lives "together".

Anyway, got through all that and stopped at store on the way home. Harriet, good suggestion for pureeing food. I have one of those bullet things. I picked up more pudding mixes, applesauce, bananas, sweet potatoes and white potatoes and some cream soups. He says his teeth don't hurt unless he thinks about it. He is rinsing with salt water.

Had to take him out for tool to fix a flat tire on his truck. We are picking up lots of nails and screws with all the builders around doing storm work. He had broken the last tool he had for fixing a tire, so we got more at an auto parts store. Filled up the gas tank for our trips tomorrow.

Got a check to the bank. A guy came and paid for some vinyl panels we got stuck with when they ordered it wrong, but DH managed to sell them so we can pay the company. All because he has this job.....grrrrrr.... tonight I boxed up his hearing aids and filled out the paperwork to send them away... and I filled up my pill containers. Rx is ordered too. Life is so much harder when he doesn't have his hearing aids.

Twins, you mentioned the TV is loud.... do you think that because now you have hearing aids?

I want to get an early bed time (for me) as tomorrow is another early morning and a busy day. What a week!

Wondering how blessed is doing.

(Kathryn). It sounds like we all need vacations.

[Twins' Mom]

Harmony, I don’t wear the hearing aids most of the time at home because I’m mostly alone. And if I am wearing them they come out when the TV goes on. Dh has hearing loss too but won’t admit it, but at whatever volume it filters it as background noise. And i’m more sensitive since I’m home alone and don’t work in an office.

Lucylee start w a dr appt to be sure it’s not physical and all you have to do is tell dh it’s a checkup. Have your doc check your thyroid too. And as our days are getting longer, get outside as much as possible too.


((All who need hugs and understanding tonight))