nice to having time with little one and also nice to have schedule too d ok
hi harriet hi sadie hi helia and hopefully i didn't miss anyone..
dd olders room didn't take as long as I thought. she tosses as she goes and updates as she goes. (lol what a concept)
I did take her wash down though and thought I would surprise with clean laundry as she does her own. dh has started the laundry
took the last of the bows off the house.
Harmony just sped by me. She may feel she's a tortoise, but I'm a snail!
Did watch two episodes of Downton Abbey. Only meant to watch one but there was no episode divider to tell me when the first ended.
Dd called to let us know that we are cleared to travel until the middle of July. Except she gave me that same date last month (I had specifically asked if I could book the cruise.)
I hate these phone calls. Month by month, I get the weird call from her. What can I possibly say? "Thanks" is all I can think of. I can't sympathize with her because she might be pregnant and just not telling me until another month or two goes by. So I can't support her in her disappointment, nor celebrate when it is good news. All I can do is thank her for letting me plan my own life one more month into the future.
She doesn't understand how insulting it is to me as her mother, to not be trusted not to tell her 'secret.' Or to be left out of the loop if she loses a baby. Obviously, if she is refusing to tell me if she is pregnant, I can't help but suspect she won't tell me if she miscarries.
My 'tough love' side feels if she wants to go through the first three months of pregnancy without any support from me, then she can go through the last weeks of a pregnancy without any support too, if I've made plans that can't be changed. I've spent over a year putting my life on hold and have tired of the waiting game.
I want to be able to look forward to stuff even if it doesn't come true (nothing is guaranteed.) Since we can't travel this winter, looking forward to summer holidays is all I have. But I can't plan anything after mid-July at this point. To have someone tell me that I can't plan anything beyond a specific date because they may need me (even if they know at that moment they don't but they won't say so because they are keeping up a charade) seems daft to me, and feels like I'm being abused.
In the meantime, the fact that I believe in God has driven a huge wedge between us - she has not respect people who hold any belief system (be it God, Buddha, chance, Mother Earth.) The most common advice people get about getting pregnant is to relax. She can't relax over little things, like the weight of the celery sticks she eats each day, or the order to vacuum my ground floor. To tell her that housework done improperly still blesses her household would be greeted with derision because she doesn't believe in blessings. Nor can she find hope (no faith means no hope) or find consolation in a higher power. Since she can't turn the issue over to a higher power, her perfectionism has her struggling to change circumstances in order to change outcome. She hasn't learned that not everything is under our control and to accept that with grace (because she doesn't believe in grace.)
((Kathryn)) That sounds like a really difficult place to be with your dd. And a difficult place for your dd to be in as well in terms of perfectionism and not believing in grace.
Well, never a dull moment here. I just go the 2 packages in the mail (Yay!) and came home to dfriend (I mentioned yesterday) and her ds2 at our home. Apparently, dd17 is babysitting him at our home this afternoon -- but hadn't told me. Actually, dd17 watches him and his dbrother5 at our home on a weekly basis so dfriend can go to a weekly meeting so it's not that big a deal; I just would have liked to have known. Dd14 has gone to a friend's across town; ds took her and is picking her up too, I hope. And we are now having Cmas with friends S and R at our home this evening. Hmmm.... what other new development can crop up today?
Next:
-update laundry
-make menu plan and groc. list
-groc. store
(((d kathryn and to your dear daughter))) you both are struggling and it's hard for you because you want to be of help and it hurts she is not telling you. I went through fertility issues for almost 9 years before being blessed with dd older (the doctor was shocked) I became pregnant again and miscarried and it was many years later before dd younger. At that point my dh and I were told it would be dangerous to have more children. During my infertility and miscarriage and supposed pregnancies and failing to get pregnant, I struggled with so many ups and downs that I stopped talking to other people, even family, as it was so painful to us and I knew the disappointment and hurt they felt for me which made it even harder. Family was understanding and stepped back but still there. If I said anything that I was pregnant I would worry that I would jinx it. (not logical yes- it's a scary place and being there I wondered if there was a reason why we couldn't have children). To miscarry hurts and you know it hurts everyone and it feels better not to let anyone know as hopes and fear become so great. In this There is no tomorrow and no planning; there is no calendar and to be reminded of it is painful - you just go from period to pregnancy to hurt and going through those emotions again until you pretend you don't have emotion with it. It is not about trust at all, it's about hope and fear nothing more.
Send her a note saying "I love You" and understand she may be in so much pain she can't even hope or talk about it. Most of all, remember it's about her .when it becomes an "I" moment you loose the ability to see the other persons feelings. hard as we hurt for our children..It's month to month for her too but in a horrible way. (sorry but I know from experience). I can't tell you how hard it is to be in that situation just as it is to be the parent wanting to help. (I learned a lot from dd's olders e.d. years ago..I was so upset that she wasn't telling "me", how can "I" help if she didn't talk to "me", "I" hurt. When I finally was taught and learned that I was looking to reduce my guilt and my hurt I could listen more and see her. it wasn't about me - it was her feelings. She couldn't take on my feelings as she had kept hers to herself so long and it was a huge burden to worry how I felt.. She felt horrible guilt that I was in pain for her. I learned I had to just be there and listen and love her. That's all you can do.
My family has lots of losses when it comes to pregnancies and births gone wrong.. my dcousin lost twins a week before her due date, genetic problems that caused 3 of differing family members to loose their babies shortly after birth. In those times some talked about it, others didn't - it depends on how you grieve.
regarding her faith.. she may find it again but she has to see it and feel it. She is struggling right now and all you can do is let her know you love her and you are there for her any time . (((my love goes with you and your dd as you work through this difficult time)))
Last edited by blessedw2 on Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:51 pm, edited 6 times in total.
CI:
Meeting took longer than I had hoped, and as usual resulted in a bunch more paperwork that needs to be done before tomorrow's meeting.
Since coming home, I have spent over half an hour actively decluttering a big stack of papers. Almost all going into the recycle bin, including all of the holiday catalogs. *\o/*
Blessed: Thanks for your words. One question - did you expect your mother to be with you for up to a month when the baby was due? That's the deal I had with dd when she called me 18 months ago, crying, because they weren't going to be moving back to Ontario as planned and she wanted to start trying for a family but wanted me there with her for a LONGGGG time (4 - 6 weeks.) I agreed because she wanted to know I'd be there for her. And I never expected that promise to mean my own life would be thrown into turmoil for so long.
That's why I'm so frustrated. She is still there and despite feeling cautiously optimistic about dsil's chances at this job, I'm still not counting on him getting back to this city, let alone Ontario, in the next 9 months. He's been part of this job application process for the past 9 months. I'm not sure going to the job testing in shorts and runners, in the middle of a winter snow storm, is a way to show you are seriously interested in the job so if they are looking for any excuse to choose someone else, he's given them that.
It isn't a matter of me taking a few days to go visit during the pregnancy and again after the baby arrives; it is dropping my life here and moving to a short-stay apartment in her city for a long period of time.
If she was living here, I might let the whole thing drop because you are right, it is about her. But it is my life in turmoil too because of that promise and that is why I feel so abused by her refusal to include me in the process.
Her dad is still hurt that I cancelled the August 2014 trip, but the promise was part of this. He can continue to make plans well in advance because the deal was for me to come, not both us. So it is just me that's tied up.
Blessed this is the second time you have advocated on dd's behalf, giving me another point of view and I really appreciate that. You are half way between us in age so are much better to see things as she does so I will read and reread your reply closely.
now put away 