SHEs Organized

Well, you can all focus on things to be done.

I suspect I'll just focus on panicking!

On the plus side, I slept well.

I had 6 hours of sleep before waking up. After coming back to bed (I went to the bathroom and then into the living room to turn off a light that was left on), I lay there for a bit debating getting up because I was so overwhelmed with things to do today and tomorrow and 6 hours was 'enough' sleep. But I did drift off again.

When I woke to the alarm at 7:30 (so 8.5 hours in bed), I was still in overwhelmed mode, wondering what was going to be jettisoned from the weekend. A complication is I have dgs on Monday so I have to hold back some energy for that.

Then I realized today is Friday! Honestly, what clued me in was trying to figure out why washing my hair a day early (in case I'm in a photo taken by dd with the grands) meant having to wash it 2 days in a row when there is usually 3 days between.

So, in theory, I was starting the day, albeit a bit late, but well rested and having been gifted back an 'extra' day.

Then I opened email and one member of the residents' association is suggesting cancelling the Christmas party because it is too last minute and none of the executive can help with setup.

I admit when members of the exec said they could come my assuming that they could help set up was a wrong, but I can do it all myself, assuming I don't test positive in the meantime. Skipping church opens up the time. My role in the pageant as an angel can be easily replaced since I had no speaking part.

In the meantime, I'll send emails directly to people who offer to help out but don't want to be on the executive, and see how many helpers I can scare up. Currently, I have one, but I haven't asked others yet.

But it was the email saying "cancel" that triggered tears and anger. I'm back to no-one 'letting' or 'encouraging' me to do anything I want to do. This is the third Christmas of this. The first, the exec wouldn't support outside singing in mask. The second our landlord wouldn't allow gathering of any sort. (Which turned out to be reasonable but they said NO before Omicron was discovered.) Now this year we have a space, we have permission, but dh coming home sick meant I had to put off the Go/NoGo decision for a week while I figured out if he was going to get sicker, if he'd be able to sing, and if I'd get sick myself. I still technically have 4 more days of watching closely, but with Omicron an infection usually shows up in 3 days and I'm on day 6 now and have been really careful not to be exposed to dh since that first day (in order to stop resetting my 10 days.)

Even tomorrow, dd is not sure the kids will want to come over to decorate the tree (which has now been up over 2 weeks but with only one decoration on it. They don't like me wearing a mask while I'm on the Skype call, and in person I still have to wear one until Monday (dh will be freed from masks as of tomorrow.) So they could come to decorate the tree but I won't be able to eat with them if they stay for a meal. So they can only eat with dh, I'll have to be in my bedroom, not at the table with them. That's enough that they may simply refuse to come over.

So cancelling the Residents' Christmas party is just one dagger too many into my somewhat positive mental state.

And so, my day has just spiraled downwards.

Dh says, "just ignore it" but he doesn't understand it isn't just a matter of ignoring the email, it is a matter of reviving a sense of positivity, a sense that he is responsible for completely shattering.

((((Kathryn))))

This is day #1 of our 17-day Christmas Break. I want to close my eyes and enjoy these moments by taking several deep breaths of FREEDOM from needing to focus on school. Of course, I can't breathe in freedom from doing school but that doesn't stop me from thinking that I can. The eyes closed deep breaths celebrating this moment feels sweet and relaxing.

It is decorating the house time! I have pulled the rolling shelves containing tubs of Christmas decorations into the middle of the garage. I implemented the rolling shelf storage system for Christmas decorations last year and it has been in far corner minding its own business while waiting to be brought into action. I couldn't be happier about the ease of access. I want to continue to remove unused decorations and send them to our favorite charity. My goal is to only keep what is used. It is a clear-cut choice - either use it or give it to someone who will use it. After I decorate the tubs should be empty. I feel selfish for not sharing what we have if I store things just because I might want to use them someday.

Waiting for a grocery store email saying my order is ready for pick-up. They substituted almost nothing this time - unusual but good.

Kathryn, if it was just suggesting cancelling, move on with what you planned to do. Hasn't that person ever watched a holiday movie? (smile) It's always the last-minute events, or those detoured, that are the fun ones. Part of the enjoyment is being impressed with what you were all able to do.

I brought all my own handmade soft ornaments (they are stored with my sewing things rather than put away each year) out to the LR and placed them around the edges of the snow I'd made out of batting. This is under HRH's gift of a Charlie Brown tree with white base. Along with them is our collection of antique toys, which were already out. This means I still haven't gone into the Christmas closet except for the 2-foot tree.

LadyM, I think you should breathe. (giggle)

(((d Kathryn - praying the panicked feeling goes away and that you can feel peace today)))

sometimes people can see when things aren't working - it's not saying no- it's just knowing that it's so close to the holidays and everyone is overwhelmed. If people are getting sick again it may have to wait until next year. it's okay! If you have to force it than it may not be the time to do it. When things fall in place usually means it's a good time.With your dh and others having covid then it may be worrisome for everyone. I am so sorry you are struggling through this. these last few Covid years have been so difficult. ((((d Kathryn)))) you may also be feeling the overwhelming feeling so many have. They are so tired/angry/sad that Covid has lasted so long. If feels like the last straw of having to deal with it.

you feel what you feel - I just wonder if it's because they suggest no or that you are frustrated that Covid has changed many things that usually give you joy. I am sorry. you are not letting anyone down by not having the gathering.

my mom's building opted out of Christmas to have summer outside gathering this year.

You could have a simple tea/coffee - nothing fancy - one table for paper cups, coffee, tea, if anyone wants to bring a cookie or easy hand held dessert - Simple.

d lady - I can feel your sigh of relief - so happy you have Christmas break! enjoy!!!
breath in the freedom!!!
have a wonderful day!

d harriet - can you share your millet loaf please - not now but when you have time.
Your Christmas things sound so beautiful!!!

wishing you all a good day!

it's snowing beautiful big flakes right now!

last night I watched the Garrison Keillor Christmas special - I bought a ticket for the the streamline. dh watched for a bit and we both reminisced our young Saturday nights where we would listen to the radio for this show.

As I watched the program -It hit me, again, that this year, I don't have the Christmas spirit and joy that I normally have. I shed a tear for a moment when it hit me. It's unusual for me. But I have to accept that it's okay. I can't force that unique holiday feeling on myself - I learned that when dh had cancer. I will do better to accept it and still be able to enjoy the holiday. I can't force the magic but I can still find peace.

I think getting some things out of the way will help me just enjoy next week. - I think I need to go back on maintenance for the next week - slow down my mind and what I think I need to do.

I have the cleaning ladies coming here on Tuesday - I need to get them a Christmas tip.

I wish dh hadn't set up an eye dr. appointment on the 23rd - he forgot to tell me . I have to take him as he can't see after he gets dilated. Why make it for Christmas week -

the good: dd younger comes in on Tuesday! D brother will be flying in on Tuesday to be with d mom.

time for breakfast and another cup of coffee. The snow is beautiful!!!

Well, especially to Harmony....when I left for my hair appointment yesterday it had just begun to rain here. By the time I got to the hair appointment it was a torrent. I tried to get my umbrella open but it was a 'no go'. So I went in as quickly as I could. By then I was pretty well drenched. Hair was just dripping. I had washed it earlier so told hairdresser to never mind the wash and he cut it. After he said, "Blow dry? Curl?" I said with the way the rain was coming down to never mind. I did have a rain bonnet in my purse and put that on. Hurried (as much as possible to my car. On the way I had to walk through water over my ankles so of course feet were wet to the core. Had a hard time driving home because of the intense rain and the water standing everywhere. When I got home I took off EVERYTHING and put on my nightclothes. I've never been so drenched in my life -front/back, head to toe, underwear -it was all soaked. Stayed in my night clothes the rest of the day. Sun's shining now but chilly.

Don't know what's up with my back but I'm barely able to move this morning. Took some t ylenol arthritis hoping that'll help. It'll be a slow go getting anything done today.

Yesterday dd brought home a painting on canvas and 2 Lightning coffee mugs. One had crocheted flowers in it. The picture was a mountain scene with a table in the foreground with the one mug/flowers. One of her students (who is also her student aide) had given it to her and wrote on the back: "To my fav teacher, Miss J" and dated it. DD showed it to the art teacher who exclaimed: "Why isn't she in my art class??!!" It's now hanging in dd's art room or otherwise known as her 'hockey room'. (DD did admit she may have had some eye leakage!)

Talked very briefly with dh this morning to let him know where the blood lab was in Spencerport and the hours. He has to go Monday for labs. Then at 2:15 he has a telecall with his Gastro Dr. I reminded him that our phone service at DS-A's house is minimal at best so hopefully he can complete the call. He's still on the antibiotic regimen for his H Pylori infection. Sure hope this round gets it taken care of.

Good morning. Well, maybe not so good for me with this infernal deadline. Just gotta power through. I got the paperwork done yesterday, but not the shore excursion research. I will have to do it tonight and figure out some way to print it (my printer is dead). Traveling companion friend has plans with the people she is visiting tonight. I know she would rather go to an early dinner with me, her hosts stay out till the wee hours of the morning (friend's time zone is already two hours later) and friend has no car here. Did not do any guitar practice or exercise either. It will not be possible to finish the crochet project before my travels, but everyone is used to me arriving with a project. I am warmer today because I have on a turtleneck and my thickest sweater.

I've never seen big snowflakes, unless about 7mm counts as big.

Kathryn (and everyone else too): Do not feel obligated to feel positive!!! Positivity is NOT a virtue when it is equivalent to ignoring reality! (Is it ever a virtue? Always seemed like lying to me.)

No real progress yet but I'm dressed, my room is tidied, the clothes rack is emptied and the clothes put away. I also moved the rack into our bedroom since, when the next load is hung up on it, I won't have to worry about dh being unmasked around my clothes out drying.

I was chatting with dh and saw the mandoline's food pusher/hand protector in the office. Asked why. Apparently it has broken again so I 'called it done' (this is the 3rd way it is broken and its over 12 years old) and pulled out the one his cousin gave us about 5 years ago. Neither of us like the looks of this one as much and it doesn't have a stand or a holder for the food pusher and the separate bonus grater is too long to fit in our cupboard where the current one is.

So all those pieces are out on the counter while I figure out where to keep them (plus they need to be washed.) Just an unexpected distraction.

I've had my breakfast and rearranged my desk to be better laid out although when I pulled up the camera to check, I realized why I had things the way I had them before - the light from the window is behind me. Not a problem in winter with its low outside light levels and short days, but it will be in the summer. I'll move things back again in the spring. For now, the roll top desk lid is easy to drop down.

I'm going to spend 10 minutes walking the halls (to make up for missing several 250 step hours) and then get to work on something that needs to be done.

To Elizabeth and Blessed: feeling positive is a hard fought emotion after month after month after month of disappointments, negativity (remember I spent 3 weeks last winter in an Occupied city with F*ck Trudeau cars driving by me all the time), and limitations. Our children's hospitals are overrun to the point where children are not receiving heart surgery unless they will die immediately without it. Our adult hospitals have been in that situation for even longer.

Add into all this, dh went through open heart surgery and the repair has failed so he's right back to where he was before this began (and was the surgery botched because it was during a Covid outbreak and the surgeon was rushing?) and you might begin to understand why I am clinging to anything positive that can be done.

Then he goes back to normal and traveling to places where I'm not making him wear a mask all the time and meeting with hundreds of people from all over the world because he refuses to live life isolated and brings home Covid. So, at the first Christmas where we were actually able to do things, I have had to cancel things that I wanted to do that would have brought me joy.

This Christmas party will bring me joy. I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.

I've spent literally over 2 years of doing nothing. Mentally, I completely shut down. By nothing, I mean things like government filings for the business, our personal bookkeeping (I've paid $$$$ in late fees and penalties on things over the past 32 months), and no movement leading to poor health (I used to be able to walk miles, now I can barely walk a mile because I haven't been leaving the house.)

So, when I finally get the motivation to do things, telling me NOT TO DO THEM because they may be a challenge frankly sucks.

Waving Hi to y’all….

Got my exercise class in and went to my coffee and conversation gathering. Now I’m back home and have the laundry going. Need to go to the grocery store because my pantry is bare.

Sorry you’re having a difficult time Kathryn. Sending hugs that things get better for you.

I think sometimes our expectations for the holidays can rule our emotions when things don’t happen the way we wish they would. I don’t really worry about Christmas because for many years I didn’t have my son with me,’plus I lived worlds away from my family. However growing up my Christmas were never like the Hallmark ones as my dad had a way to putting a damper on our Christmas celebrations.

My home was filled with great grand mothers, grand parents and no children except my brother. Everything had to be very proper and formal with everyone walking on eggshells.

I need to get my tree down from the attic, but I’m not going overboard in decorating. I have don’t my Cmas cards yet either. My doing what my mental health feels like doing.

I have a few small Am azon purchase to send: books for my grand nephews and niece. Plus I have a birthday coming up for my great niece. Already have everything picked out to send.

Dee… we had the same rain here yesterday afternoon along with thunder and lightning. My dgd had a church performance last night and fortunately the storm let up before we all had to leave for the show.

Buzzer just went off…bbl