2025!!!!! Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, winter again.

[blessedw2]

January 31, 2025
Friday

I noticed my joy level is not great right now. I have always been naturally joyful, since I was a little girl, but I can see it's not at the top of my brain right now. I usually notice little things that give me joy or wonder; but not right now.
I am the type that even a drop of rain gives me joy. nope nada

Mom: slept 16 hours
bp: 167/75
heart rate: 77 to 82 still afib though not racing
oxygen 99%

I washed her hair
and she washed up her whole body
she put on the same cloths again -
meds am
she brushed her hair and set it in a pony tail
eye drops 1. 2. 3.
water - she drank water yesterday - a good amount
water today
breakfast - ate all of it
calendar -
lunch
dinner
snack
bring more photos down

she is up and moving around to get things done "I have to clean"


me:
s2s
meds
took care of mom
set up my meds for the week

laundry worked on
kitchen worked on
3 season room worked on

what needs doing:
laundry room wash floors
family room put away

[blessedw2]

February 1, 2025 thank goodness

It has been a night like I used to have when the kids didn't sleep well.
I have to have a clock somewhere for mom to look at but I wonder if she would - she was walking around at 3:09 am looking for the dogs - she had no idea that it was the middle of the night.
she is not sleeping sound so she is waking up easily and then going back to sleep.
so I am drained - slept most of the day bc of a migraine.
dh has been such a pill!!! he told my mom - what are doing here - she was cleaning and so together and helpful. he was awful and obvious. He came in where I was laying down and he was mad and talking to himself. I was laying down from a migraine.
The problem is that even if mom left today he would still be selfish still. and have many days of crankiness. this getting older is not bringing out the good side of him.
mom has been nice to him but he says she is nicer to us - problem is that he doesn't talk to her and is cranky and stays away from him. She has tried to talk to him nicely. He is so much in his head that he can't see things.

I am honestly at a point where I don't know what to do. I don't want mom to be on her own bc of dh bc he wont' change and will only get worse.
I left the front room and will stay out of it. I am so tired of feeling like I am in his space.

today meeting a woman to take our dog food 2:00 - she picked it up from the front of our house. very nice of her.
4:00 leave for a gathering for dh and I with siblings - not going - told d sil that I am not going about an hour ago and then dh asked if we were still going after I woke up an hour ago.
dd said "He’s out done himself today"

I have to figure this out. I don't know if there is something I can do.

[blessedw2]

Feb 2,
------------------------------
personal:
I have 2 choices now - get mom into her home again with a care taker and let dh's bad behavior take over - I don't think I could look at him the same -
2. doing a balance with mom at her house and here but the work will be very hard for me - if she can't take care of her meds then even though she is not there yet need to go to the facility. I will see if I can find a place where I can hide her meds.

dh's angry being is hurting my heart. I can't get through to him. I struggled that my kindness with his mom is not being reciprocated. I would have done it anyway because she was such a special woman and I loved her deeply. - he also got frustrated about the time he had to do if it was more than once in awhile.

I have to decide to accept his moments - ignore his moments and trying to make him happy is not a viable solution.
or I continue to walk around on eggshells worried that he will get upset.

I spoke to him about yesterday and I couldn't help being in tears - He doesn't get it.
I noticed I am getting afraid to get him upset. not healthy.

Made a list to help my mental and physical health - my decreased physical health is a problem - I need to get that under control again - the stronger I am physically then being healthy mentally follows.

1. exercise daily again
2 outside 50 minutes with dogs daily - sunshine is necessary
3. cook and eat healthy instead of ordering
4. continue home schooling myself including my old field trips
5. walk away if dh is awful and having a bout session - it's his anxiety.

I had thought about dh getting the front room, dining room permanently and remove my stuff. dd said that would make dh worse. I am rarely in there but he has his stuff in every drawer. When I had my headache yesterday I slept on the front room couch all day - he still came in there and complained.

dd older spoke to me about not being a doormat to dh or others. my physical health and mental health is becoming a problem to the point I am letting dh do what he is doing.

She said this is has anxiety about his "space" and he can't even understand that his anger is taking over or what he is doing. Mom cleaning the dining room table and the cabinet top was in his perceived space and he was so upset!
I need to ignore and walk away - let him have his angry moments on his own and then they will be done with. It's not for me to make better or to own. I had thought of letting dh completely take over the front room and dining room - stay out of there but she said it will only make things worse with him - he will take over more and more spots.

for me: try NOT to step away from dh bc I am afraid to make him upset. My goal to make everyone happy is making me unhealthy and can't be done.
don't interact with his anxiety.

he is so easy to blame everyone else for his frustration and anger - he and I had another line in the sand moment, but it is kinder than I wanted to be.
I told him that from now on the dining room and front room may be where he sits a lot but it is not his room alone. I told him I can't be afraid to upset him or try to make him happy - will it last - nope he will have moments again and again and it may get to a point that I can not get through anymore. He doesn't see it. When I am sick I am vulnerable and I wanted to give him those two rooms bc he has made them his rooms - but he has 2 big spaces upstairs and has all the drawers in the dining room and the front room but it is still a place where any of us can be. right now he normal again but what I had to go through while I was sick was bad.

time for a therapist and get back to physical exercise and healthy eating. (tomorrow is a dr. appointment with new dr.)

----------------------------------------------
My brain doesn't feel so swollen - it happens after I have a bad migraine usually related to weather

breakfast for mom and I
meds mom and I
pulled cloths for mom we shall see how she does - she can put things off better than anyone I know. stubborn - she told me she was dressed and we had to go over it so far 2 times. she is not mean - I was direct but kind. she finally dressed from s2s in new cloths and underwear

time to start! woke mom at 10:30
GOALS:
MENTAL HEALTH
PHYSICAL HEALTH
NUTRITIONAL HEALTH
DAILIES

I still have bits and pieces of the migraine - dh is pleasant again mom is pleasant - yesterday was horrible day with dh. move forward.
mom trimmed my hair beautifully
she is just herself - it's good
dh has tempered now that he let his anger go yesterday.

mom said she has a tendency to see what isn't done rather what has been done - it's something she has always had. I agree. it drives her crazy not to have things done.

dh is back again - he is nice and himself again. he is polite again.

[blessedw2]

February 3, 2025 Monday
I am so grateful to leave the weekend behind. I normally don't wish days away but I am grateful for a new day.
I had a migraine again last night but this morning I am free of the pain.

dh's upset moments need to be journaled.

mom - we went to meet her new dr.
she said mom would be good for memory care but moving her will make her process faster - it will come fast enough.
she agreed that mom can not take her meds on her own - figure out the days etc. but she is physical agile - a go getter even if she forgets what she is going after - stays in a circle or work on the same thing.
dh did the dishes - and told me he did them. Very nice that he did them.

Goal: work on my mental health and physical health - they go hand and hand. I need to work on this with my dh and mom. part of me would love to rent a cabin with woods and land and just take the dogs.

dh is sitting in the front room.
mom came home and is watching tv.

I watched a dementia program that even though dh may not have dementia that some individuals may not understand that the reaction or behavior is inappropriate - mom I know that happens - for dementia they call it Anosognosia. There is no logic that can get through at that moments and that I need to see why I want it to change - what is the reasoning behind what I am trying to get them to do. anosognosia -DENIAL- Loss of awareness. They don’t know what they don’t know. dh tries to Make me feel crazy about him being upset - that I am being unreasonable. He can not see that he is angry and mean. be creative - accept that they are going to see things as they see things - that I can't make them see that their behavior is detrimental to everyone else. what is the why - can it be accomplished with a diversion or understanding.

learned that dh is probably not dementia - but there is something wrong - and that I there are some things that I can do - how I respond - it is anxiety - things are being moved is what he is seeing - and that he may not see it as it actually is or how I see it. a counselor will be a good idea.

questions to ask dh

I have a messy kitchen and etc. - getting that done first after playing with the dogs. I need that 50 minutes outdoors even when cold but not icy

[blessedw2]

February 4, 2025 Tuesday question to ask myself - where is my joy today!

Weekly jobs:
clean bathrooms well.
Towel Tuesday
5 minute round robin house, cars, basement, garage, yard even though it's cold.

Get 'r done jobs:
finish light stand
clean next to laundry machines and under sink

Am jobs: big jobs need to be in the morning. (not including mom)
-dogs walk and play - but goodness it's cold.
-make soup and dinner - I have been overwhelmed/overthinking by the idea of cooking. I know I enjoy it and feel healthier if I eat it. . I NEED to make this part of the morning routine bc I get too tired by 3 pm.
-s2s
-breakfast
-meds me
-dishes
-counters
-stove top
-table top put away
-sweep floor
-family room put away
-start laundry
-make dinner/make soup
-fittness in am.

pm: finish laundry
sweep the first floor
weekly jobs
if it works out drop mom at her apartment for 3 hours - spoke to her dr. and she thinks that it would be a very good idea for her to be in her apartment a couple hours a day. she can not do her meds, her meals etc. but can eat lunch here and then go to her place until 4 - she may clean the same things over and over again but she will be in a familiar place and feel productive. I have cameras

a must: my 50 minutes in total outside cold or not.

learning or something fun.

evening: put away
my meds

Mom:
breakfast
lunch
dinner
snack
Meds am
pm
am: wash up , change into pants , new underwear , top , brush teeth it's been 4 days!, brush hair
her put away
mom is getting side tracked
I need to refocus her.

things to accept: mom might not like my food - cook even if she says it's not what she likes - she does that with good restaurant foods.
build mental and physical strength again.

dh is very good again - I think it's feels like he steps over the line and then he goes back to being himself. The unpredictability of when it will happen again has hurt my mental health. he is not violent at all but just scowling and just a (excuse me) a jerk - how can someone be so nice again - his anxiety and adrenaline is an issue at these times and it seems to run its course during the day. I have to talk to a therapist for me on how to deal with this and a doctor. I have to figure this out.

dh went to the store for my milk and my meds - he is being very nice.

[Twins' Mom]

Thinking of you bw2. I'm sorry that your dh and dmom are both needy/irrational. It's hard to be a caretaker, of one, let alone two. I'd try to go to dh's next doc appointment and see if there are physical issues affecting him. Slip a note to the nurse/assistant if you need to.

[blessedw2]

great idea about the note d twins - the hard part is that today he is totally normal - really nice - being himself. I am sure being sick has added to my inability to deal with it. it's rare for me to be all tears. There has to be something with his adrenaline and anxiety. I also think that his clogged trac may reduce his oxygen levels.

I will follow through with his doctor.

[blessedw2]

February 5, 2025.

pull daily cards

I had a busy day - building things took longer than I expected!

[blessedw2]

February 6, 2025

mom was taken care of this morning - she did good
I have to get her to drink more water


brother helped me put together the lights on my light thing for seeds.
did some basics
mom is fed, meds given, up and at 'em
listening to current French music.
my d brother and my dd older has an architect and contractor come for 3 season room (to see if we can make it into an extra room with a bathroom.)
no matter what the 3 season room has to go.

(my prayer - for dh - right now he says it's a good idea and that he won't loose his temper with them building but I know how has been for awhile with workmen etc.) I think I should plan on him staying at a hotel or rent something - I just know him and I will have to be ready for it. I know he wont' handle it well. fixing the 3 season room to real room is the best idea bc - he won't move so this is an option for my older age as well.
(noise and people working in the house have always bothered him)

dinner is almost completely done
dishes are washing themselves
set up the seed trays that I have. I will bring in the dirt and the seed starter. - the soil is freezing

I looked at the recycling and I could add more - dh has it at the curb already
I got the other stuff out that needs to be gone.

next:
fold whites
flip laundry
wash stove
wash counters

[blessedw2]

February 7 2025 Friday
I love that day light is starting earlier and the sun is going down later.

-----------------------
personal.

dd older spoke to me about dh yesterday and the 3 season room, (if that works out). She said "he will have to behave himself" - she feels that he reacts more when he feels that if he has any discomfort of sound, his place etc She feels it's more a temper tantrum and that he has always had that -

he is not violent or in your face but he is just impossible during these moments. He is a huff-er and puffer - walking around upset and talking to himself - self righteous - angry - feeling that we are all wrong - angry face - etc. He makes the workmen and others feel uncomfortable bc they know he doesn't want them there by his obvious behavior.

He doesn't think he will need it - he thinks we are exaggerating -

I will see a therapist on how to help me with strategies and how to work with his dr.

--------------------

dr. appointment today with new dr. - we shall see if she is as thorough as my last dr. she is nice though.