2025!!!!! Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, winter again.

[blessedw2]

thank you d twins!!! Yes I agree - I need to take care of myself better. thank you!

[blessedw2]

February 26, 2025
Wednesday

hoping mom took her meds - I thought she had and then she had them in her hands and now they are gone.

I am drained in one aspect. I am always having to suggest, cajole, push and worry that dh goes to the dr. earlier - this has been going on for 15 years and each time he suffers for it. This time he wouldn't go - was upset at as the for the suggestion (again) to end up having to have a biopsy because he didn't go a month earlier and caused huge opening on the inside of his throat from the rubbing of his old trac. He ended up again suffering from a bloody biopsy. My heart can't do this any more. it's the same thing over and over. I am drained from the process.

15 years ago I tried to get him to the dr until one day where it was almost too late - he would have been dead in two weeks (per the ent surgeon) from suffocation from the tumor around is breathing tube. it was stage 4 - He was 108 lbs - I saw his back (that he hid) and he was all bones. he was angry at me that I said there was something wrong because his breath was so bad. He wanted to take the car and I had to steal his keys and put a car behind his car. He was so angry and then crying at me- He couldnt' think straight. . Thank goodness I got his brother over who took him to the hospital

I have gone through this so many times since then - him being upset and almost in tears that I would even bring up that he needs to go to the dr. It's terrifying. He hurts himself over and over again. I don't think I can go through that again after this time. I am tired.

I am going to talk to his brother - I am thinking of suggesting (from now on) talking to dh when I think he is ignoring a problem. I dont think I can keep trying to get him to the dr. He has been lucky - I have watched him almost die three times - watching them try to force a Neo natal tube down his throat and finely succeeding because he was suffocating - he wouldn't get another trac. and his throat collapsed. I watched as they lifted his limp body up on the further up on the bed.

he is all happy and I am too but it has been at a cost for me. He doesn't see the Toll on me and the girls.
Right now I no longer want to go through another fight to get him to the dr. As dd younger said: "Causing issues he didn't even need"

Right now I am in a place where if I tried talking to him about it he would be upset - he is fine now - he thinks there is nothing wrong - but again what it has put us through when it wouldn't have been an issue if he took care of it in the first place. He is so Lucky, again, but I am so drained. I should be happy - I am - for his health-but there will be a next time that is preventable and a next time where he will push me and dd's off bc he thinks he can wait.

everyone expects me to get him to take care of himself and get him to the dr. it's my responsibility but I just can't do it anymore. I can't play the game and the fight just to watch him fight for his life. dh does not know the stress he is causing me

- well that being said - mom is sleeping again. I am going to let her be in her pjs. Yesterday she worried me but today she was walking better and was here mentally.
mom woke up and got dressed we ran errands.
----------------------------------
Next: time to ignore the above and take care of me and the dogs.
I have been on my aunt Fanny all morning which is not healthy - I woke at 9
one hour completed
tummy is off - it was bad for awhile- no longer off - I realized it was stress - stepping away was a good thing.

garden store new bird feeder paid for boxwoods
mom's cleaners
mom's meds
cards pulled:

s2s
meds me
open gate for dogs - play ball with the dogs.
train dogs
me exercise - walk in the neighborhood
kitchen work filled dw and turned
laundry work
put away
make dinner early so that I have a clean kitchen tonight.


garden design work one hour

[blessedw2]

my stomach is better - spoke to dh early this mornin, while he is rested, about getting help earlier. I don't know if it will help but my body and brain can't handle the stress that it puts on me or the girls and his family

today
outside work
it will be 42 today
kitchen and laundry

Alsatian with my mom

s2s
mom's meds
my meds

birds
room by room put away -
trash
start delphiniums

bought more 4 inch nursery pots for my geraniums

[Twins' Mom]

((bw2)) The caregiver role puts a lot on us - some discussion this week w my therapist about how I was so "busy taking care of family things" that I maybe I delayed grieving for my sister/brother/mom. I understand where you are as caregiver - it's exhausting and you have a lot with dmom and dh too. Is he terrified of doc/hospitals/illnesses because he feels weak and "unmanly."

[blessedw2]

I think you and your therapist may be right. . Caring for everyone else doesn't give time for grieving or person life and care.
Your therapist sounds wonderful - I am happy you have someone like this. I always find my AH HA moments when I talk with my therapist and work through things.

You really are a wonderful person d twins!

I have one but she is not seeing people in person anymore - just on the phone.
I would like dh to see a therapist

dh is terrified - he never wants to go back to the hospital again bc he "would rather die than be there". (trauma - The fear is overwhelming for him -I understand it but his not acting pushes him into the hospital to the point of death's door over and over again.
He may not remember what has happened to him but I think his body does.

This time was a lucky moment - I hope he can stay lucky.

[blessedw2]

right now:

the kitchen floor is dirty from muddy dogs
clean laundry is now on the kitchen and dining room table - dh put it there
time to do card file including meds.

s2s mom - I find I have to be with her to stay focused on her dressing otherwise she will put on the old cloths again
brushed her hair she did!
she needs to brush her teeth
s2s me
meds mom
meds me
play with dogs after the window washer/gutter cleaner leaves
I have a check made out paid

pull the dailies
dishes are washing in dw
counters cleaned
multiple loads of laundry done
floor filthy but swept well

I enjoyed every minute outside today

[blessedw2]

March 1, 2025 Saturday
dh has pneumonia and his kidney and liver levels are a bit off.
mom is sleeping (sitting on the couch) - she is worried about dh having pneumonia bc she is worried about herself. I will keep a good eye on mom.

mom meds
me meds

s2s mom
s2s me

morning dailies

today family room
blankets washed

put away -
front hall has laundry to go upstairs
front room
dining room
family room
bathrooms
kitchen
cars - its really cold so It will be one or two things
garage put away new box of tp
cancel the end of months delivery of tp
same with tide
upstairs dh won't let me clean his room/bathroom but with him gone all day I think I will go in there

manicure and pedicure my salon
mom said nope but we shall see

set aside job for tomorrow clean all the tools
order new hand clippers for my boxwoods
start delphiniums and fox glove
look to see if I can order other perennials.
I will start nasturtiums later.

Monday blood test
Tuesday - diabetic education
1:00 people coming over to measure
1:00 mom pt
Wednesday
Thursday pt mom
Friday

I don't know about the rest of the day as dh is in the er with dd older

[blessedw2]

I had read this poem this morning about what we as "mortals" can forget the beauty around us.
There is so much beauty around us if we take a moment to look.

Our Blessings

Ella Wheeler Wilcox By Ella Wheeler Wilcox More Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Sitting to-day in the sunshine
That touched me with fingers of love,
I thought of the manifold blessings
God scatters on earth, from above;
And they seemed, as I numbered them over,
Far more than we merit, or need,
And all that we lack is the angels
To make earth a heaven indeed.

The winter brings long, pleasant evenings,
The spring brings a promise of flowers
That summer breathes into fruition;
And autumn brings glad, golden hours.
The woodlands re-echo with music,
The moonbeams ensilver the sea;
There is sunlight and beauty about us,
And the world is as fair as can be.

But mortals are always complaining!
Each one thinks his own a sad lot,
And forgetting the good things about him,
Goes mourning for those he has not.
Instead of the star-spangled heavens,
We look on the dust at our feet;
We drain out the cup that is bitter,
Forgetting the one that is sweet.

We mourn o'er the thorn in the flower,
Forgetting its odor and bloom;
We pass by a garden of blossoms,
To weep o'er the dust of the tomb.
There are blessings unnumbered about us--
Like the leaves of the forest they grow;
And the fault is our own--not the Giver's--
That we have not Eden below.

I see beauty in people as well as nature - my goal today is to look for it and take it all in.

dh is still in the hospital - I miss him horribly - I don't miss the fear of hearing him day and night trying to breath and not taking care of himself - there is a terror to it. I may have to accept that the fear will be here - I also realize that his brain may not be getting enough oxygen. yesterday night he was better logically.

clean dh's room/bathroom but with him gone all day I think I will go in there
clean tools
clean mom's shoes with her
plant delphiniums
make a new schedule to include pt for mom - I forget and for me as well.
clean under couch

cleaned floor in front hall, kitchen, dining room,
more laundry done. I still have 2 blankets to wash and whites to wash - one small bright color basket
having trouble with blankets draining. I had to put it outside to drain
I did wash dh's dirty cloths.

today and tomorrow wash floors again bc I have people coming over to measure.
clean the bathroom down stairs again

dogs are bored but it is cold.

[blessedw2]

I honestly don't know what today will bring! dh is not great - his oxygen is going from 78 to 82 - saw dh and he looked much better and talked normal. it's amazing how 2 hours can make - dd saw him and he was out of it and when I saw him he was great.

my discover card didnt' work today and I don't know why - I will have to find out - dd is checking.

mom's dementia was off yesterday and I can't trust her to be alone. She will have to go with me to the hospital - she stayed in the hall with a mask on - I could see her - The nurse agreed that dh's pneumonia would not be safe for mom.
I wore a mask and so did mom as long as she was in the hospital area.

I have the builders coming tomorrow to measure the extra space.

so today I took. my time and watched some garden videos
I have had my breakfast
turned on the laundry
(dear m - had an under garment accident and I woke up to her not having under garments on. she was embarrassed it's okay she won't remember later - it's not a big deal - it happens to everyone. I will keep a pair in her bathroom just in case.)

she had a moment where she fell asleep as we were driving and then asked if I had let out the girl that was in the car. I told her there wasn't anyone. then she said she must have fallen asleep. She said it is really real.

I have bird singing video on - some of the robins are back.

having my last coffee and I will toast to today! thanking God for the day!
dd older is at the hospital - I would like to go first thing but mom is off and I will take her with.

pulled my Monday cards.
I have an idea for dinner.
found out that I don't like fried fish anymore - I made it that way for mom but not my thing anymore.
I think the oil wasn't hot enough when I put the fish in.

Thank you all for this lovely group.

Telling the day: ready or not, here I come
s2s are done me
mom pants, new top and under top and garments on needs new socks, needs to brush her hair and teeth.
dogs have been fed
breakfast made for mom
went through bills/paperwork
errands done: picked up things for mom at Walgreens/ picked up her cleaning/ pulled the pants that need shortening/dropped off mail
I am at a loss of where to start so I wrote a card to list the rooms. time to start

hoping to not have a future problem with dh. He said that dd will be giving him his meds down his trac. Why do that to her. I will say no - dd older feels so much stress already bc dh chose not to take care of himself. she was at the hospital all weekend. She is upset he let himself go again. she has work that is busy and stressful -
dd older said it is time to set a bunch of boundaries up for him. What am I going to do with him . I can't believe he is playing games already. he doesn't seem to get it.

I have emptied the powder room under the sink - keeping it simple for d mom.
sprayed the inside of the oven
time to put things away from the powder room.
I finished most of the laundry - I only have three items left
mom would not put away her laundry - she said she would wait until tomorrow so I just did it.

I still have to wash the first floor again
next: put away the clean dishes
flip flop laundry
put away the kitchen table
make banana bread maybe
cleaned the powder room
put garbage and recycling outside.
put things away at the bottom of the stairs
mom said I could not put her clean pants away. I will when she is not looking.

I have to remember that I am doing the best I can.

dh is stable again. the nurses aren't worried about his levels
right now I am not sure what will happen when he comes home - I found out that he wasn't draining himself. he fibbed again- I went into his room and his bathroom is disgusting. I will work on it tomorrow morning.
my goodness I don't know if I can watch him go down hill again. I can love him but I have to figure out how to handle this.

mom left her bedroom door open and dogs jumped up on the new white cover.

[blessedw2]

March 5, Ash Wednesday

yesterday was a very busy day.

positive thinking: things I hope I will do.

visit dh (I didn't see him yesterday) spoke to him but didn't see him.
go to Kohler
12:15 ash Wednesday service

need: plant the ranunculus - soaked and ready to plant

time to pull card file:
today is anti procrastination and of course gratefulness!

cleaned kitchen table and put away
cleaned dog bowls and put in new water
wrote dh
emptied dw
filled with the few dishes we had
set up 2 more winter sewing bottles