Working Wednesday

[Twins' Mom]

I am home with a lovely rustic tobacco basket. My kids are not impressed, and I predict that dh won't be either. Google maps said two hours one way but it was closer to 2.5 each way. Was near Huntsville AL and remembered that if ds hadn't gone to Space Camp at Huntsville, he probably wouldn't have rec'd the postcard from GA Tech as a sophomore and decided that was what he wanted.

Trying to figure out where to start Kathryn. I think I've said that my twins were infertility drug twins - one year of trying on our own, and another 18 months with the reproductive endocrinologist before I was pregnant. And two miscarriages after that before dh got "fixed."

She has to find her own way to deal with the pain. Bw2 is correct, it's a very painful experience. Women of our era (since the pill) think they can turn it on/turn it off but it's shattering to find out that it doesn't work like that, and one never really had any control over when they get pregnant.

I found the book "When Bad Things happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner to be invaluable as I also had a crisis of faith that I had been a good, g-d fearing person who had no reason to be punished like that.

I guess I'd suggest that she stop giving you monthly updates, and you make your plans for what you and dh want to do. By updating you monthly, she's keeping her focus on the issue, and making you crazy...tell her to tell you when/if she's ready and you go about your business.

I think we all must deal with it on our own. For me, I decided to work on an MBA - thinking that if I never got pregnant, at least I'd have an MBA, and if I did, I could decide on continuing at that point. I also worked with a chiropractor who read the body's "flows" and "blockages" - I have no idea whether it made a difference or not.... I suspect that what really worked was to get my mind on other things, in addition to massive amounts of infertility drugs/laperascopic surgery/shots/hormonal support. Unfortunately, I suspect those things aren't available through CA health care.

Although I was planning to cook, it sounds like dkids would prefer pizza, which they agreed to pick up when the time comes.

I am going to take ddogs out for their walk now.

Ah, just reread Kathryn's post about the "promise." No, I didn't expect or want dmom to be around and underfoot. As it turned out w twins, I was glad she was much younger and had availability once I was home with both babies.

[blessedw2]

For me at the time I was still immature and my emotions where more passionate and overwhelming. I didn't have the experience and wisdom to know that. I also had my hormones all over the place because of the meds to get pregnant and the roller coaster expectations and hurt from month to month then to years that overwhelmed me. I couldn't deal with the emotions like I can (lol most times) now.

I think your dd may be way over her head in emotions, fear, disappointment and even hurt let alone the constant doctor visits that overwhelmed us and our pocket book.. She might also be grieving not being near your home any more. Is she normally demanding? If not just listen and don't take it personally, I know with me it wasn't personal and it was hard to have people have expectations of me regarding my feelings at the time as I was so overwhelmed myself.

If you can see where her head is it will help you not be angry that she said a month. Your feelings right now might be your assumptions of what she is thinking. There isn't a baby yet and you feel upset that she might want you for the month...is that worry or anger or loss of being able to control the situation or both you are feeling. I can't tell you how scary it is to wonder if you will loose another child or if the pregnancy took month after month. It took me almost a year to believe older dd wasn't going anywhere so that I could just enjoy her and not worry.

personally - breath in and see it for what it is. When the time comes then you stay the 2 weeks or one week what ever works for you. ((())) but for now d kathryn live in the moment - thinking so far ahead isn't going to help either of you. She planning that far ahead and making you promise may be one way she feels that this or any future baby will be safe. Don't see it as an expectation by your dd, more as a possibility that you may have a lovely grandchild one day and that it is a blessing. Remember you might be grieving for the your dd and dsil as well as yourself. Infertility and miscarriage doesn't just affect the couple but affects the family. I was so into having a baby I wanted so badly from month to month that I couldn't always see that my mom was grieving with me and for her too. It's hard. ((()))

I will tell you the same thing happened regarding controlling my feelings when dh was sick with stage 4 cancer. Boy I could have said a lot to even immediate family
I remember being told by one of dh's family members - they had wanted to see dh and I should have called, this was from a d younger relative when their d mom wanted to see him. Dh was not in his right mind and was in intensive care and they weren't sure he would live. My emotions were tied up with him, and our dd's. I didn't say anything at the time. Yes I was angry. But looking back I can see their own emotions were at a panic. They might loose dh too. I understand now. Sometimes looking back at our own feelings and actions can help us deal with others, even our most loved people in our lives.

You are a good person d kathryn! and our d children no matter what can frustrate us and we can frustrate them but we love each other anyway. Don't look so far ahead of what may be. Hoping all works out; sending you much love and hugs. Don't take it too personally and do something nice for yourself.

[scattered]

Hi wonderful Villagers, I am so tired I just don't have any energy to do anything... came home barking and growling at DS13. Thankfully he was not in an emotional mood he just kept asking "Mom are you ok?"

No energy to CUOP, so I will send (((Hugs))) and (((Prayers))) to everyone who needs them and *5's to everybody!

I have managed to eat and will take the caddy up on my way to bed, gonna head off to bed probably around 8pm.

Start the Day Routine (SDR)
d2s
coffee
meds & vitamins
prayer & meditation
something small to eat
swish & swipe BathR (took my stuff downstairs... need to put stuff up there when I get home)

Get Ready for Work Routine (GRWR)
make-up
pack lunch
fill coffee togo cups

ToDo/TaDa's
Work
Stock S&S caddy and put in BathRm
Dinner
Bed ~8pm
set-up coffee for in the morning

Sweet Dreams Villagers!!!

[Harriet]

Boy, am I ever in the none-of-your-business area. But a sideways tack would be to, practically, say how much I hope Kathryn's dd will consider plumping up a bit (on healthy foods of course) and adding healthy fats. From several directions in my extended family, lessons were learned that pregnancy is more likely to occur for slim women when some body fat is present, available to the developing baby. This has been a point of surprising info, I believe, for women runners and other elite athletes, dancers, etc., who learned that when they put back the layer of fat their exacting eating and high metabolism had nixed, they changed a pattern of infertility. Celery is a wonderful thing. So is avocado, coconut oil and low-mercury fish like mackerel and flounder. So are blueberry pancakes.

About the agreement to spend a long period of time together after a birth - that was then and this is now. You don't have to feel the agreement can't be tweaked. Tweak, tweak, tweak. There will be so much help a Mom can give in other weeks or months or timetables. Yes, having you there probably equals safety and security for the baby in her mind. What a lovely compliment to you. But she (and dsonil) will be great parents who can handle everything well.

I'm sorry there's a wedge between you two because of beliefs. It doesn't exist because you believe in God, though. It just exists because you two believe differently.

[blessedw2]

finished the put away.
dh is doing bills.
Me: I have to pay for school
I have to pay for other things too.

[blessedw2]

What a lovely compliment to you. per d harriet..

DITTO

[blessedw2]

love and blessing to all.

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

Just to be clear - dd hasn't miscarried (unless she hasn't told me.) Dd isn't on any meds to try and get pregnant. There is no point trying to get to see a specialist when they expect to be moving soon. And one has to try for at least a year before you can even request an appointment in Canada. So at this point, to the best of knowledge, it is the regular disappointment, especially the shock that her plan is not going perfectly, not additional hormonal issues. They usually plan everything to the hilt and this is the first big event that hasn't turned out better than planned for them.

Harriet: Dd is trying to plump herself up by eating to the food guide (that's why she measures her celery sticks, in order to eat enough.) She is a bit more relaxed in that this time I didn't have to buy a particular milk. Last Christmas we bought full-fat by accident and she was upset because she had to have skim. When we saw her next, she had decided that she needed full fat. This trip, she just drank the 1% we have on hand. I didn't bother asking what she weighed but she looks healthy enough and didn't feel abnormally thin for her when I hugged her. Her brother will know better what she weighs because he was belaying for her when she went climbing - my guess is that it is around 105 and she's 5'1".

There's another issue that made me ask dh if she should see a psychologist. When she was 20, she was the birth coach for a friend. The baby was born fine but dd was pushed out of the way by her friend's mom and the father was denied access to the baby which dd found unfair and protested on his behalf. The baby later (4 months or so) died due to SIDS. Since then, dd can't be around the birth of any baby.

This week her best friend invited her to stay while dd is visiting in that city but she's staying elsewhere because that friend is due to give birth any moment now and it will be a home birth. Dd doesn't trust herself to be around at all, or even to help with the older child (who she is very close to.) I'm wondering if, deep down, this fear of being around a birth is making it harder for her to get pregnant. The mind is a very powerful thing.

[Kathryn-in-Canada]

Dinner is done. I still have to wash dishes but I had lasagna and dh had Chinese so there isn't much to be washed up.

I'm debating having some green tea to see if that makes me feel any better. I'm hoping it has less caffeine than regular tea, although, in the back of my mind, I recall they are the same. I've had at least a quart of hot water today, plus 3 cups of decaf tea and two glasses of milk so I'm ready for something else hot.

[Cowinkie]

Ditto to all the words of wisdom. I didn't have my son until I was 31. My family was worlds away. It would have been nice to have my mom around, but in other ways I was glad she wasn't there all the time. I felt more like I had finally become an adult during that time. I guess I am an old bird, but my mom can be very critical and I didn't want to listen to her telling how I should run my household or life. When I needed her opinion I always asked.

Sometimes we make promises to those we love that we can't always keep. My mother promised her mother she would never put her in a nursing home. However, when the time came circumstances within my mom's family didn't allow my mom to keep that promise.

Centuries ago woman nursed their children well into their toddler years. It was thought that nursing a child was a natural method of birth control. Nursing causes women to use their body fat and during that time food was scarce, thus the women tended to be very thin. Once these women were able to stabilize their weight they became pregnant again.

As for your differences in beliefs...I will tell you this, I had a very strong faith until 15 years ago. Then I went through a very difficult period in my life. During that time I completely lost my faith. It took me 10 years before I could put my foot through a church door. My only words of wisdom when it comes to you and your dd is just because she doesn't believe as you do doesn't mean she doesn't believe in you.

I love this village and all you wonderful women. Ya'll are so open and willing to share your thoughts, and I cherish that.